Two Muslim families move into the United States from Afghanistan.

Upon arrival in Jersey City they make a bet as to which family will become more American in one year.

A year later they meet to compare experiences to see which family won.

The first Muslim said: “Yesterday my son went to a baseball game, my wife bought a nice dress at K-Mart and I just finished a hamburger from McDonald’s.”

The second said: “Shut the f**k up, Towelhead!”

WACO, Texas – A man was stabbed after causing a stink — literally — in a motel room while eating with a friend, police said. Five men from the Houston area were sharing a Waco motel room Tuesday night, and two were inside the room eating when one had a flatulence problem, Waco police Officer Steve Anderson said. One man was so upset about the gas that he threw a large knife at him, cutting his leg, and then stabbed him in the chest, Anderson said.

The 35-year-old man was transported to a Waco hospital, where he was treated for what appeared to be non-life threatening injuries, Anderson said.

Jose Braule Ramirez, 33, of Houston, was charged with aggravated assault with a deadly weapon, police said. He was arraigned Wednesday and was being held in the McLennan County Jail on $15,000 bond and placed on an immigration hold, according to jail records. He cannot be released, even if he posts bond, until authorities verify he is in the country legally.

A jail spokeswoman who declined to give her name said she was not allowed to release information on whether Ramirez had an attorney.

1. A man comes into the ER and yells, ‘My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!’
I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady’s dress, and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly, I noticed that there were several cabs — and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald, San Antonio , TX

2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient’s anterior chest wall. ‘Big breaths,’ I instructed. ‘Yes, they used to be,’ replied the patient.
Submitted by Dr. Richard Byrnes, Seattle , WA

3. One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of the family that he had d ied of a ‘massive internal fart.’
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg

4. During a patient’s two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist, he informed me, his doctor, that he was having trouble with one of his medications. ‘Which one?’ I asked. ‘The patch, the nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours, and now I’m running out of places to put it!’ I had him quickly undress, and discovered what
I hoped I wouldn’t see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St. Clair, Norfolk , VA.

5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, ‘How long have you been bedridden?’ After a look of complete confusion, she answered…’Why, not for about twenty years — when my husband was still alive.’
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson, Corvallis , OR

6. I was caring for a woman and asked, ‘So, how’s your breakfast this morning?’ ‘It’s very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can’t seem to get used to the taste,’ the patient replied. I then asked to see the jelly, and the woman produced a foil packet labeled ‘KY Jelly.’
Submitted by Dr. Leonard Kransdorf, Detroit , MI

7. A nurse was on duty in the emergency room when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read, ‘Keep off the grass.’ Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient’s dressing, which said, ‘Sorry, had to mow the lawn.’
Submitted by RN, no name

AND FINALLY!!!…

8. As a new, young MD doing his residency in OB , I was quite embarrassed when performing female pelvic exams. To cover my embarrassment, I had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly.
The middle-aged lady upon whom I was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassing me. I looked up from my work and sheepishly said, ‘I’m sorry. Was I tickling you?’ She replied, ‘No doctor, but the song you were whistling was, ‘I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener.’
Doctor wouldn’t submit his name (Can’t blame him!)

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Scottish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Scots, in the weeks that followed, English scientists dug to a depth of 20 meters, and shortly after, headlines in the English newspapers read: “English archaeologists have found traces of 200-year-old copper wire and have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the Scots.”

One week later, “The Kerrymen,” a southwest Irish newsletter, reported the following: “After digging as deep as 30 meters in peat bog near Tralee, Paddy O’Droll, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Paddy has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Ireland had already gone wireless.”

Three women die together in an auto accident and go to heaven.When they get there, Saint Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven: don’t step on the ducks.”

So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It’s almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them the first woman accidentally does just that.

Along comes Saint Peter with the ugliest man she’s ever seen.

He chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on that duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man.”

The next day, the second woman accidentally steps on a duck and along comes Saint Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment.

The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for eternity to an ugly man, is very, very careful where she steps.

She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, and then one day Saint Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on - very tall, long eyelashes, muscular and thin.

He chains them together without saying a word.

The happy woman says, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?”

The guy says, “Well, I don’t know about you…but I stepped on a duck.”

A married couple and another man are washed up on a deserted island after a shipwreck. The island has enough food and water to support them, so they concentrate their efforts on trying to signal a passing ship. They assemble the makings for a huge bonfire on the beach, and each day one of the two men climbs to the top of the tallest palm tree to watch for ships. The idea is that if a ship is seen the woman and whichever guy is on the beach will light the bonfire.This goes on for several weeks, and no ships are seen. In the meantime the wife and the single man find themselves attracted to each other. They wonder how they can screw without being found out since the husband is always present. The wife has a plan, and shares it with the man. The next day he is at the top of the palm tree while the husband and wife are sitting on the beach. Suddenly the man in the tree starts screaming, “Stop that! Stop that screwing down there! How can you be so unfeeling and cruel to do that in front of me? Stop that screwing!”. The husband yells back to the guy that they are not screwing - they are just sitting on the beach. The guy in the tree continues screaming for them to stop.

The wife says to her husband that the guy has probably gone crazy from the isolation, and that he can’t be relied upon in the tree-top. She sugggests that he - her husband - go up the tree and let the man come down. The husband agrees that this might be the best solution, and trades places with the man. After a few minutes he looks down at the beach at his wife and the other guy and says to himself, “Gee, from up here it really does look like two people screwing.”

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They have been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.The angel tells them, “As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do whatever you’ve wished to do the most.”

He looks at her; she looks at him; and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues.

After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing. The angel tells them, “Um…you have fifteen minutes left. Would you care to do it again?”

He asks her, “Shall we?”

She eagerly replies, “Oh, yes! But let’s change positions. This time, I’ll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head.”

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they would have to leave.The Jewish people met and picked an aged but wise Rabbi, Moishe, to represent them in the debate. However, as Moishe spoke no Italian and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, both sides agreed that it would be a “silent” debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and Rabbi Moishe sat opposite each other for a full minute before the Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers. Rabbi Moishe raised one finger.

Next the Pope waved his finger around his head. Rabbi Moishe pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope then brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine. Rabbi Moishe pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared that he was beaten, that Rabbi Moishe was too clever and that the Jews could stay.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, asking what had happened. The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity. He responded by holding up one finger to remind me that there is still only one God common to both our beliefs.

“Then, I waved my finger to show him that God was all around us. He responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

“I pulled out the wine and wafer to show that God absolves us of all our sins. He pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin. He had me beaten and I could not continue.”

Meanwhile the Jewish community was gathered around Rabbi Moishe. “What happened?” they asked.

“Well,” said Moishe, “First he said to me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I said to him, Up yours! Then he told me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews and I said to him, Mr. Pope, we’re staying right here.”

“And then what?” asked a woman.

“Who knows?” said the Rabbi, “He took out his lunch so I took out mine.”

In the days of the wild west, there was a young cowboy who wanted more than anything to be the greatest gunfighter in the world. He practiced every minute of his spare time, but he knew that he wasn’t yet first-rate and that there must be something he was doing wrong. Sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, he recognized an elderly man seated at the bar who had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the west in his day.The young cowboy took a seat next to the old-timer, bought him a drink, and told him the story of his great ambition. “Do you think you could give me some tips?” he asked.

The old man looked him up and down and said, “Well, for one thing, you’re wearing your gun too high. Tie the holster a bit lower down on your leg.

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man. “Sure will,” said the old-timer.

The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his Colt Peacemaker and shot the tie off the piano player. “That’s terrific!” said the cowboy. “Got any more tips for me?”

“Yep,” said the old man. “Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it. That’ll give you a smoother draw.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the younger man. “You bet it will,” said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

“Wow!” said the cowboy. “I’m learning’ somethin’ here. Got any more tips?”

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. “See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.” The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. “No,” said the old-time, “I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.”

“Will that make me a better gunfighter?” asked the young man.

“No,” said the old-timer, “but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing that song on the piano, he’s going to shove that gun up your ass and that grease’ll make it hurt less.”

Two old men, Bill and Sam, have been friends all their lives. Now Sam is dying and Bill comes to visit him every day.”Sam,” says Bill one evening, “You know we’ve both loved baseball all our lives, and how we played minor league ball together for so many years. You have to do me one favor. When you get to heaven, and I know you will go there, somehow you’ve got to let me know if there’s baseball there.”

Sam looks up at Bill, and says, “Bill, you’ve been my best friend many years. This favor, if it is at all possible, I’ll do for you.”

And shortly after that, Sam passes on.

It is midnight a couple of nights later. Bill is sound asleep when he is awakened by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calls out to him, “Bill…. Bill….”

“What?! Who is it?” asks Bill, sitting up suddenly. “Who’s there?”

“Bill, it’s me – Sam.”

“Come on. You’re not Sam. Sam just died.”

“I’m telling you,” insists the voice. “It’s me, Sam.”

“Sam? Is that really you? Where are you?”

“I’m in heaven,” says Sam, “and I’ve got to tell you, I’ve got really good news and a little bad news.”

“So, tell me the good news first,” says Bill.

“The good news,” replies Sam, “is that there is baseball in heaven. Better yet, all our old buddies went before us are here. Better yet, we’re all young men again. And it’s always spring time and it never rains or snows or gets too hot to play. And best of all, we can play baseball all we want and we never get tired.”

“Really?” says Bill. “Thats’ fantastic! Wonderful beyond my wildest dreams! But, what’s the bad news?”

“You’re pitching next Tuesday.”

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.

There I cuddled up to my wife’s back and now with a different kind of anticipation, I whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”

She sleepily replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?”

This guy was really lonely and decided life would be more fun if he had a pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy something unusual.After some discussion he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box home, found a good location for it, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to the bar for a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, “Would you like to go to Frank’s place with me and have a beer?”

But there was no answer.

This bothered him a bit, so he waited a few minutes and then asked again, but once more there was no answer from his new little friend.

So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask one more time. This time he put his face up against the centipede’s house and shouted, “Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank’s place and have a drink with me?”

A little voice came out of the box: “I heard you the first time! I’m putting my damned shoes on!”

Towards the end of the day’s round of golf, Dave hit his ball into the woods and found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every flower in the patch.All of a sudden, poof! In a flash of light and a puff of smoke, a little old woman appeared.

She said, “I’m Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those buttercups? Just for doing what you’ve done, you won’t have any butter for your popcorn for the rest of your life. Better still, you won’t have any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact, you’ll never have any butter for anything for the rest of your life!”

And then, as quickly as she had materialized, she was gone.

After Dave recovered from the shock - and his bad lie -he hollered for his friend, “Fred, where are you?”

Fred shouted back, “I’m over here in the damned pussy willows.”

And Dave replied, “DON’T SWING, Fred! For the love of God, DON’T SWING!

Morris and his wife Esther went to the state fair every year, and every year Morris would say, “Ester, I’d like to ride in that helicopter.”Esther always replied, “I know Morris, but that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

One year Esther and Morris went to the fair, and Morris said, “Esther, I’m 85 years old. If I don’t ride in that helicopter, I might never get another chance.”

To this Esther replied, “Morris, that helicopter ride is fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

The pilot overheard the couple and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word, I won’t charge you. But if you say one word, it’s fifty dollars.”

Morris and Esther agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed, the pilot turned to Morris and said, “By golly, I did everything I could to get you guys to yell out, but you didn’t. I’m impressed!”

Morris replied, “Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Esther fell out, but you know, fifty dollars is fifty dollars.”

A traveling salesman visits a small town in rural Texas and sees a circus banner reading: “Don’t Miss The Amazing Texan”. The salesman is curious, so he buys a ticket. The tent goes dark. Suddenly, trumpets blare, the lights come up and all eyes turn to the center ring. There is revealed a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to the table is an old retired cowboy. Suddenly the old cowboy unzips his jeans, whips it out, and smashes all three walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupts in applause and the elderly Texan is carried off on their shoulders.Ten years later the salesman visits the same little town and he sees a faded sign for the same circus and the same banner warning “Don’t Miss the Amazing Texan”. He can’t believe the old guy is still alive, much less still doing his act. So he buys a ticket.

Again, when the center ring is illuminated, there stand the table and the old cowboy. But this time, instead of walnuts, three coconuts are placed on the table. The old guy stands before them, then suddenly unzips his fly, whips it out, and smashes the coconuts with three amazing swings. The crowd goes wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requests a meeting with him after the show. “You’re incredible,” he tells the Texan. “But I have to know something. You’re older now, so why in the world would you switch from walnuts to coconuts?”

“Well,” says the old cowboy, “my eyes ain’t what they used to be.”

In 1986, Mikele Membe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University.On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with its left front leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed; Membe approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant’s foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Membe worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Membe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Membe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Membe was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Membe and his son Tapu were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Membe, lifted its left front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Membe couldn’t help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Membe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Membe’s legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn’t the same elephant.

A drunk staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy.He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife. He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.

Managing not to yell, he got up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.

He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, he woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and his wife staring at him from across the room.

“You were drunk again last night weren’t you?”

“Why do you say such a mean thing?”

“Well, it could be the open front door; it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs; it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house; it could be your bloodshot eyes. But mostly it’s all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.”

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she placed a newspaper ad for a hired hand.Only one man applied. Luckily, he proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks the two of them worked hard and the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the widow said, “You’ve done a really good job, and the ranch is coming along fine. Why don’t you go on into town and and kick up your heels one of these nights?”

The hired hand readily agreed and that Saturday night went into town for some fun.

He returned around 2:30 am, and upon entering the house, he was surprised to find the widow still up, sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

She quietly called him over to her. “Unbutton my blouse and remove it,” she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

“Now take off my boots.” He did as she asked, ever so slowly.

“Now take off my socks.” He removed each one gently and placed them neatly by her boots.

“Now take off my skirt.” He slowly unbuttoned it, watching her eyes in the dancing firelight.

“Now take off my bra.” Again, with trembling hands he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

Then she looked at him and said, “Now…if you ever wear my clothes into town again, you’re fired.”

A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.”Certainly, Sir, that’ll be one cent.”

“One Cent?” the man thought.

He glanced at the menu and asked, “How much for a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?”

“A nickel,” the barman replied.

“A nickel?” exclaimed the man, “Where’s the guy who owns this place?”

The bartender replied, “Upstairs, with my wife.”

The man asked, “What’s he doing upstairs with your wife?”

The bartender replied, “The same thing I’m doing to his business down here.”

Three Rednecks - Cooter, Ronnie and Donnie - were working up on a cell phone tower. As they started their descent Cooter slipped, fell off the tower and was killed by the fall.As the ambulance took the body away, Ronnie said, “Well, damn. Someone should go and tell his wife.”

Donnie said, “Okay – I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff. I’ll do it.”

Two hours later, he came back carrying a case of Budweiser.

Ronnie asked, “Where’d you get the beer, Donnie?”

“Cooter’s wife gave it to me,” Donnie replied.

“That’s unbelievable! You told her her husband was dead and she gave you beer?”

“Well, not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, ‘You must be Cooter’s widow.’”

She said, “I ain’t no widow.”

Then I said, “I’ll bet you a case of Bud you are.”

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That’s nice,” she thinks, “but I want more.”

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop- dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

To avoid gender bias charges, the store’s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex and have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

A couple sees a classified ad for placing a “Christian dog” in a good home. “How,” they wonder, “do the owners know the dog is Christian?” So they have to go check it out.”Oh, yes,” the owners say, “he’s a good Christian dog. Watch this.” They call the dog over and command, “Pray!”

The dog, of course, puts his head down on his paws and appears to be praying.

“Umm…okay, nice trick. But it doesn’t prove he’s Christian.”

“Well, how about this? Fido, what will comfort me when I’m dying?”

The dog retrieves the family bible, then flips the pages to the 23rd Psalm, putting his paw over the verse that says, “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil”.

The couple is, naturally, impressed. They take the dog home.

A few days later, their pastor comes by to visit, and they’re showing off the dog. The dog prays, the dog finds comforting verses in the Bible. The dog is, obviously, a Christian.

The pastor’s wife timidly asks, “Does he do any…you know…normal dog tricks?”

“Well, let’s see…Fido, roll over!”

The dog rolls over.

“Fido, shake hands!”

The dog goes to the pastor and offers his paw.

“Fido, heel!”

The dog goes to the pastor’s wife and puts his paw on her forehead.

“Oh my goodness”, remarks the pastor, “he’s a Pentecostal dog!”

The wife’s story…Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts were too small. Instead of characteristically telling me it wasn’t so, he uncharacteristically came up with a suggestion.

“If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between them for a few seconds.”

Willing to try anything, I fetched a piece of toilet paper and stood there rubbing it between my breasts. “How long will this take?” I asked him.

“They’ll grow larger over a period of years,” my husband replied.

I stopped. “Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make them larger over the years?”

Without missing a beat he said, “Worked for your ass, didn’t it?”

He’s still alive, and with a great deal of therapy he may even walk again, although he will probably continue to take his meals through a straw. Stupid, stupid man!

This morning I got call from an ex-girlfriend who phoned me of the blue to see if I was still around.We lost track of time, chatting about the wild, sexy and romantic times we used to enjoy together.

I couldn’t believe it when she asked if I’d be interested in meeting up and rekindling a little of that old magic.

I was flabbergasted. “I don’t know if I could keep up with you now,” I said, “I’m a older and greyer than when you last saw me. Plus I don’t really have the energy I used to have.”

She just laughed and said she was sure I would “rise to the challenge”.

“Yeah,” I said. “just so long as you don’t mind a man with a waistline that’s a few inches bigger these days. Not to mention my lack of muscle tone. Stuff sagging, my teeth not as white, and so on.

She chuckled and told me to stop being silly. She teased me, saying that tubby, grey-haired, older men were cute, and she was sure I would still be a great lover.

Then she giggled and said, “I’ve put on quite a bit of weight myself!”

So I told her to get lost and I hung up.

By day and by night, there walks upon the land* a Monster in the form of a new parent armed with photographs of the sprog it recently threw. The Monster will corner you when you least expect it, with no provocation, and subject your eyes and sensibilities to these images.The warnings range from subtle to overt. At the stealth end of the spectrum lies the Purse Or Wallet Move. When you see a purse or wallet being accessed, try to remember if your companion and you were just engaged in a discussion about credit cards or car keys or who’s paying the tab or something else that might naturally lead to a Purse Or Wallet Move. If not, there’s a good chance that The Monster is about to make an appearance. Certainly, in the case of The Purse Move, this might be just be a makeup or tissue or, if this is a person of stink, cigarette access. But until you’re sure that it’s something like that, be ready to fend off The Monster – which defense will be discussed shortly. Remember, readiness is preparedness. Or next to Godliness. Or something like that.

Of course, at the other end of the range is the dreaded Verbal Warning, which usually takes the form of a rhetorical question of the nature of “Have I shown you little Drooler’s latest pictures?” Rhetorical? To be sure. There is no recorded instance of a “YES!” preventing the arrival of The Monster. And records go clear back to the beginning of practical photography; before that, only those who could afford to have an artist paint or draw the likeness of their sproggen could have such images and they weren’t something that they’d drag around to assault you with on your lunch break from the limestone quarry. But at least with the Verbal Warning, you get a few more seconds to think – to remember The Response.

The Response, and the only one that’s ever proven effective, is (write this down for familiarization): “It looks just like a baby.”

Do not lead to The Monster’s long suit with a compliment and do not note a similarity with one of the parents. In the first case, babies mostly look like somebody’s first attempt in clay class at making a face. In the second case, there won’t be a similarity to anyone; babies and adults don’t look anything alike, other than, if lucky, having the same number of eyes, ears, nostrils, and so on.

Respond the instant that the photo is displayed. Do not look at it for more than one-half second. Respond with total deadpan. Try to get eye contact with The Monster so you know it sees the deadpan. Respond with “It looks just like a baby” and then shut up! But retain eye contact with The Monster if possible. On a good day, with a reasonably sentient Monster, you will get a surprised - and perhaps disappointed - look, but the photo will disappear and you will be saved from the contents of the rest of that plastic accordion. I will repeat: shut up after you’ve given The Response. The deer-in-the-headlights look you’ll hopefully receive is a good thing. It shows that The Monster is confused; when The Monster is confused it packs up its stuff. You, one; Monster, zero.

Try it – it works.**